Where are the answers ??

I am a 25 yr-old common girl living in a city called Bangalore, working for an MNC. I know that i am a very tiny part of this whole big universe, at least physically, and my dreams, aims and aspirations are much bigger than what i am right now.

I have never believed in the God that every religion describes. I have never believed that we human beings are small and there is God above who created us, if we pray to Him, He will fulfill all our wishes if we deserve them. I have only believed in My God, the God thats within me, the God that resides inside my skull and contains all the thoughts right from the time i was born.

I love to believe and have faith in the "Law of Attraction". I love to believe in the Landmark Technology. I love to believe in Noetic Science and Neuro-linguistic Programming. Because all these make me believe that the ultimate power is within me. We are The Creators. And thats true, if our ancestors living in 10th century were to visit us now and see our lifestyles so totally dependent on technology (which we created), they are positively going to believe that we are the Gods. Science and magic has a very thin demarcating line.

In spite of all these beliefs that i believe in, i have a very serious concern. I understand that all of these beliefs needs a lot of practice. None of them can work according to u, unless you practice enough to make them an integral part of your thought process. I have tried to do that, a multiple times. I have even been successful in making my life work to quite an extent solely through these believes and efforts. I have inspired a lot of people around me with the dedication on these beliefs and efforts. But i very strongly feel now that there is something missing. Some large piece of a jigsaw puzzle is missing.

One of my dear friends was trying to help me figure out what that missing piece is and according to him, our brain can attract and form patterns around things only if it believes to have a significant value - which is by default known only to our unconscious. To consciously know the value of something that we really desire, there are layers and layers of abstraction which have to be peeled to understand "why we desire that we desire".

A small incident. It almost always happens that whenever i wear a white lower, it rains and that results in my white lower getting stained with all mud which is really difficult and irritating to clean later. Yesterday it was slightly sunny weather in the morning so i wore my white churidar. As soon as i entered the office, i got a sms from this friend of mine jokingly saying that "you are going to make it rain in bangalore today" and i replied him back saying that "I am sure that its going to be a dry weather today". I said that because i wanted to test if my thoughts have enough power to stop the clouds from precipitating. And then the entire day i kept visualizing how good a dry weather would be today evening when i go home, there wont be any muddy water to spoil my white lower and no wasting time on saturday trying to remove the stains. So all i did was to visualize that i was walking down home in a dry weather, on dry roads and reached home wearing absolutely shining white lower. But at around 6:30 in the evening when i was about to pack up, i saw a few guys coming back to seat saying that we'll have to wait for some time since it was raining heavily outside. All i could think at that point was "What the hell did i miss ??"

Yes. I did miss something because i know my mind has the power to stop the clouds from raining. But what is it ?? I did feel hurt but when it comes to bigger things in life it hurts even more. Me and my fiancee are trying to move to a same city before our marriage in May and market isn't good for us to switch jobs. We have taken the responsibilities, we are being unreasonable in our efforts, we have enrolled our families into what our dreams are, we keep visualizing about our lives together and we feel great about it, we have concrete and discreet plans of doing things together, and yet there are no results. Probably its a bad time, but if it is a bad time, Where is the power of my God (residing inside my skull) to make things happen ?? Or is it that our brains don't see enough value out of what we want ?? Is it a lack of effort, lack of inspiration, lack of planning, lack of belief, lack of talent ?? What is it ?? All that i have in my mind is Where are the answers ?? Where are the real, practical answers ??

Just another morning !!!

Today is just another morning. The same work, same boss, same office, same colleagues, same cafeteria and gym. Nothing is different except for me. Yes, I am different, I feel different.

It rarely happens that I am coming to office at 8:15 am in a crowded BMTC Volvo bus with people pushing against each other for an inch more space to stand, and a short tempered conductor shouting at the top of his voice carrying the worst frowning expression anybody can and I am standing at one small corner near the door holding onto the railing with my iPod in my ears and my mind in another world away from everything. In spite of all the people around me, I just couldn’t help but sing that beautiful song and imagine myself singing and dancing in an open field with nothing in the world to worry about.

Forgetting my stressed relationships, forgetting the deadlines at work, the worry about the English classes, fear of not performing, even forgetting the short tempered conductor asking me for money and just everything, I was in another world where I was dancing at my best with a few special people to appreciate the beauty of my self expression. I wanted to shout, sing and dance to let the entire world know I am in a different world – a happy world, and that I have all the power to conquer this world too.

Wake Up Sid

I never knew I could relate to a movie so much. The two main characters in that movie meant to me a lot. They both were just the opposite, just perfect in their own worlds but ended up falling for each other. I don’t know if this was just any other love story, but somewhere it did seem like the story of our life – Kapil and Prabhjot.

I don’t know if I am writing about the protagonist of this movie or protagonist of my life – Kapil. He is just so typically Sid or rather Sid was so typically Kapil. Whatever it was, but there was a striking similarity between them. It seems like the writer just had Kapil in his mind while designing this character and he decided to change a few things to match the script.

Kapil just knows how to make people smile even the people who are so typical frowns. He just has to buy stuff in a shopping mall and a lots of it (he just doesn’t care about the money, even without a rich dad). He hates people lecturing him especially after his failures. His way of handling failures is to blame it on the entire world at least initially, but then later he does understand what he did and quietly comes and apologizes (without a sorry !!!) and showers his love in the most charming way. He loves to dance and hang out with his friends all the time. If given a choice, he would do it every evening without fail except those evenings when he is busy on his “Prince of Persia”.

Cleanliness is just not his thing, infact I wonder if that word even exists in his dictionary. But you know what, he would cook, clean and do whatever it takes if he really wants to win your heart. He has an immense respect for females, he wont think that a girl wants to sleep with him if she is ready to go around with him at the middle of night on their first meeting. In fact, such a thing won’t even occur to him. He just absolutely loves his life, knows so clearly that the only aim in life is to be happy. Since he hates people lecturing him, he doesn’t even believe in “learning from other’s experience”, he only believes in learning from his own experience and he just does that perfectly. That entitles him to a lot of "jhatkas" before learning something more about life. He would seem a little immature and irresponsible to you, but that’s just his attitude towards life, a “life is all about fun” attitude. But his first impression is generally wrong, because when he takes on responsibilities he puts in every damn effort to make it perfect and his immaturity just adds to his extremely charming personality.

Whether it is dancing on the worli-bandra sea link at 3 in the morning or if its getting drunk in some corner of the city in the middle of the night, drunk enough to drop his iPhone in water or if it’s the craziness of watching the 20-20 world cup match in PVR and being so very upset at India losing the ICC Champions Trophy or if it’s the energy to collect the most stiff and undanceable people in the college and make them perform a group dance on the stage. Anything as crazy as this has to be Kapil.. And how can I forget, he is such a perfectionist that he doesn’t even feel guilty at making his girlfriend change her clothes thrice if she has to go out with him. He wants the best in the world and he loves it when people are envious of him, whether its his phone, bike, job or his girlfriend – it has to be the best. Of course, his ways of making somebody feel so very special are so uncommon and special. Its yet another of his charms that has made me so badly fall in love with him.

Okie, so now about the second character of the movie – Aisha. She is such a simple girl who just steps in Mumbai with a thousand big dreams, innocence and a lot of determination to make her every single dream come true. She loves maturity in people, she aspires to be a mature, woman of substance – a no nonsense types, yet full of live and happiness. She doesn’t care much about the world till she keeps moving on towards her dreams and she loves writing. She doesn’t really like people who are not open to others likes/dislikes. And there she meets this guy Sid who seems to be a total opposite of what she had expected her love to be. Yet she falls for this charming young man who she still considers “a baccha”. I wonder if the writer had my thoughts while designing this character.

I am sure if someday I’ll write a script of a movie, it has to be very similar to this one. It had just my thoughts and feelings. There was so much about these characters that I loved. It is almost unbelievable.

Science and Human Beings

I recently realized that for some people science is beauty and technology is fun. They cannot imagine themselves without science and technology. Though there was a time when I used to get really irritated with such people but now i deeply appreciate b'coz now i know that world's greatest inventions, discovries, research has happened only becoz these people and their quest continues to exist and this is what has helped the world reach to a level where it is.
"I am an Engineer by profession, but not as a person", this is exactly how i used to introduce myself to strangers. Yes I am an Electronics and Communication Engineer, working in software field for a Multi National. But my engineering side of brains only works till i am inside my office premises. When i am outside, it works on everything else, music, arts, people, animals, nature, food, almost everything but not technology or science...
My father is a scientist both by profession and as a person. He loves physics and technology. For this reason he would look for logic and explanation in everything that exist. He would want me to know and understand how the rain is formed after i would thoroughly enjoy playing in the rain, he would also want me to understand the working of roller coasters before i can really have a tough ride on it. While watching a cricket match, he would really wonder how do they track each and every ball to such a precision to judge the umpire's decision. He is a believer of God, but only becoz that belief empowers him and he is totally against the theory of spirits and ghosts. He hates astrology, numerology, palmistry and anything related to such stuff. He considers kitchen the best laboratory and he truly did some amazing experiments like yogurt veggie (i just invented this name, at that time we used to call it "dahi ki sabji"). During the Cricket World Cup, we used to do the mathematical and probability exercises to calculate the number of matches India needs to play and the run-rate required for her to win the cup. He never believed in anything that promises that human beings can predict the future. He is a learner becoz it was his habit, to know, learn and understand everything from a perspective of a scientist. Though it was a great learning for me to be with him during my growing years, i always used to wonder if it is really important to have an attitude like that. Is it really important to have a logic behind everything that exists and to believe in that logic so strongly that everything outside of it cease to exist ?
I am a very emotional and artistic person along with being an engineer. I believe in +ve energies (God) and -ve energies (evil). I believe that there is world which is outside of human logic and i believe in this one belief. With this thinking, i started resenting all those people who would never like to believe anything that stretches itself outside the boundaries of logic. Not to mention, i am surrounded with such people in my personal and professional life.
As i began to know more people of this kind, i started to see their world as well. I could see how my father saw beauty, love and every human emotion in his endless quest for answers, how satisfied he felt when he understood the science behind stuff. Like one of my friends claims that his first love was microcontroller 8051, and he loves it to an extent that 8051 would even sit on his desktop wallpaper. Like one other, who would even see linux related dreams while sleeping !!! I still cannot understand their world, but i can definately see an opening into it. There is not need to understand them, but there is a need to accept them along with their passion which is something intrinsically weaved in our lives - Science and Technology !!!
Frankly speaking, if i look at myself objectively i sometimes feel that even i belong to the same category of human beings with just a confused brain !!!

Midnight picnic with Maggi

This is my third trip to Salt Lake City and i am kind of tired of this place. I wasn't really excited about this trip, in fact i had a huge desire to just miss my flight and stay in bangalore, when i was boarding the taxi for the airport on the night of 8th Aug. Little did i know then that this trip is going to be so much of fun.

I always had a lot of fun in SLC, but this trip was special since i wasn't looking forward to it at all.. Number of reasons to it, first of all things in my personal life weren't really moving very smooth and i was wondering if things will just get worse if i am not there at all. And then there were my usual cribs like "Oh god, not the same boring work again !!", "We are not even staying in Chase (thats the name of my fav hotel in SLC)", "I am again going to put on a lot of weight, i guess there are fat molecules in SLC air", "I don't know driving, so i got to depend on others which i hate.. I wish SLC had a good public transport"...

So, with all these cribs i landed in SLC on the afternoon of 9th Aug in a pathetic mood (no TV in a 15 hours flight). Of course, Sonia and Irfan were there to pick me up. And then the journey began..

The very first morning i got up at around 6 am (jet lag effect) and i went for a stroll in the back side of the hotel and i was amazed by the beauty and silence of the place.. Little had i experienced such a quiet in the atmosphere, no sound except for the sound of slow moving stream.. With trees on both sides and benches, i strolled down by the side of the stream enjoying the calmness.. One of my friends had said once, "Flowers are not really beautiful till touched and smelled by a woman, so keep doing the honour to them and take their blessings".. And i really did that honour to them :-)

So my crib about not staying in Chase vanished.. I was happier to try out a different place..

Every morning pack your bags and go to office, run STP's, have lunch at Subway and come back home, go to gym, cook food/eat out, go for a walk, browse internet and sleep.. This used to be all time schedule in SLC. But this time we did something special and that was "Midnight picnic with Maggi"

It was one of the weekdays, when we all went to the gym at 8:30 and dint come out till 9:30. SLC is kind of city where one would find it really difficult to find food after 10 (except for american fast food, which we are never interested in). Plan was to go to Ganesh, but unfortunately it closed by the time we even thought of reaching.. So since, there was nothing to eat and no energy to cook, everybody loved the idea of Maggi dinner. Maggi is one of the things that is pretty much common in all the Indians (particularly our generation)..

Then the idea of having maggi by the side of the stream dawned on us.. We cooked maggi with lots of onions, tomatoes and peas and took our bowls outside by the water stream. And that was a WOW experience. I had always loved Maggi and i had always loved water, moon and open sky and i had also loved company of good friends. I had all of them together after about 11-12 years at a place which was thousands of miles from my home and with the people who are supposed to be my professional friends.

We talked of Maggi Clubbers and the famous goodies. We talked of different ways to cook maggi, sang the famous maggi commercial "Badi gazab ki bhook lagi, maggi chahiye mujhe abhi.. Yummm.. Maggi Noodles", and had an amazing time making fun of each other and pulling each other's leg and knowing more of each other.. It truly was a wow experience..

I slept late that night, not because of jet lag but because i had an irresistable desire to write about my last picnic in a jungle, on the hills, with my childhood buddies, when i was 12 years. We played and laughed together, did most things which are stupid and of course we cooked and ate the best Indian dish -- MAGGI..

It is kind of weird, how memories which were never captured in digital camera and were never blogged comes back striking you, when you are least expecting it. It clouds your brain as if it were yesterday. That is the beauty of life, it gives you the memories and moments too precious, especially when you don't expect them at all...

Out of Body Experience (OBE)

Okie, i know it sounds a lot scary to know that somebody had an OBE. But i am one of the few fortunate ones to have experienced it. (Please don't be scared of me)

I was in final year or my engineering. It was one of the most stressful times of every semester, the end sem exams. I had always been a night owl, so to cover up that, i would sleep in the evening and study the whole night and finally sleep in the morning. This incident happened in the evening when i was sleeping around 6 pm. My room-mate generally used to take a nap along with me in the evening, but she wasn't there that day.

So, i dream that i m lying straight on my bed and there is pitch darkness inside the room and foggy too. For some reason my hand is being pulled by some strange force above, which i simply cannot see because of the darkness. I am deadly scared and don't know what to do. I am trying really hard to get my hand back but no matter how much i try, my hand keeps hanging in the air. Suddenly, i remember that my room-mate is sleeping next to me. So, i try to shake with my other hand so that she wakes up and helps me, but she doesn't get up. She doesn't respond at all. I get totally panicky, not knowing what to do. Then i think of shouting so that my friend in the next room hears me and comes to rescue me, but as a start to shout, my throat gets choked. I can't utter a word or a scream. I try real hard to shout but i simply cannot shout.

Finally, after all these trials of saving my life, at one point i feel totally lost. All this time i was trying to wake up my roomie sleeping next to me, but she doesn't respond. So i finally decide to turn my neck and look at her just to make sure that she is ok. And as soon as i turn my head, i see my own self sleeping there.. And this was the most horrifying experience i ever had. Suddenly i woke up, just to find myself in well lighted room in which i had been living for last one year and both my friends had gathered around me to tell me that i was making funny sounds while sleeping and was also sweating badly.

Now, i don't know whether this is what is called "Out of Body Experience", but that scene was very real. I saw myself lying next to me. I was looking at myself from a side angel, it is impossible to see that angel in a mirror. But every possible feature that i saw on my body in that one second is actual there on me. It makes me feel weird that i was actually outside looking at my own self. But i can never ever forget that image and it is burnt in my memory forever.

I don't know if it is fortunate or unfortunate to have an experience like this. But i consider myself lucky to have such an unique experience. I know it was harmless, but i am not sure how would i react if it happens again and i am still trying to find out what causes it.

Dreams of death !!

Like today, there had been numerous such mornings when i woke up in sorrow, completely tired and fatigued. The reason for this is nothing else but yet another nightmare. I saw my father dying a terrible death and no matter how much ever i tried to save him, he would not survive. Then i wake up relieved to find that the world has not fallen.

Its been very frequent with me to see deaths of my loved ones, sometimes they are too terrible other times they are just dying. I was quite used to it now. It was a routine to see people dying and needless to say that was affecting me badly, very badly. One fine day when finally i decided to get rid of this. After all, its only my brain that is showing me stuff, let me just find out a way to know what my brain is trying to tell me. So i googled some 100 websites on dream interpretation. After a research of over a month, i had gained enough knowledge to interpret my own dreams and to know what is it thats causing it. Surprisingly, it deeply affected my connection with people and my relationships with them.

We always dream. All of us dream. People who say they don't dream, simply don't remember their dreams. I will include the science behind it in my later posts, for now only deaths. Since that is what kills me so many morning and might be killing you also.

Death in dream denotes "death of a relationship" or "detachment". It does not mean that the person is going to die or you want him die. It is only a way of your subconscious mind telling you - "Hey, wake up buddy, i am your subconscious mind. Don't you see that your relationship with this person is dying. I don't know why are you ignoring it so much, but i guess you must do something about it".

It is never about what you see in the dream. More significant part is what is it that you felt in your dream when saw what you saw. If you see someone close to you dying and you feel so sad that you are almost choked, that means you are not comfortable with that person not being in your life and for some reason (ego, self respect, distance etc.) you are consciously not acknowledging it. On the contrary, if you see someone dying and you are okie with it, that means your relationship with the person is dying and you are okie with it, but again you are not acknowledging it. Once you acknowledge your subconscious mind, it will stop troubling you. Thats the beauty of it.

So, never really be worried about the death dreams. Just acknowledge to yourself that the relationship is in trouble and then take steps either to revive the relationship or to completely get over it. In both the cases, your subconscious mind will rest in peace at least about this relationship of your life !!